Entertainment lurks all around us, and can strike at any moment. You never know when you might be hit by a passing work of fiction, or suddenly find yourself alone and surrounded by cinema. Luckily, the web provides the protective gear you need to save yourself and your loved ones from unexpected media assaults.

In days of somewhat-old, we had only the Motion Picture Association of America to tell us what movies were likely to leave us with deep, entertainment-inflicted wounds. Nowadays, however, any number of freelance bluenoses, from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops to the inimitable and insane CAP Movie Ministry, are happy to rate films for you.

However, the web-based movie-rating scene seems to be unfairly biased toward wholesomeness and virtue. Films are marked down for the usual transgressions: sex, obscenity, violence and nonstop ninja action. Say what you like about these things, at least they’re real. (Even the ninjas.) People do in fact have sex, swearing is all over the damn place, and if you’re fighting on top of a train and you duck just before it enters a tunnel and the guy you’re fighting doesn’t, you win.

There are those of us who don’t bat an eye at a screenplay full of gunplay and foreplay, but who are tired of the insidious values being foisted upon us by Hollywood. Namely, hope, optimism and self-esteem. Many times a bleak and dreary poster has tricked me into watching a movie that’s really about forgiveness and the importance of family.

All I want is an evening’s entertainment that accurately portrays the meaningless nature of existence, the pain and pointlessness of life, and the infinite human capacity for thoughtless cruelty. Never again should I be forced to watch someone’s dreams come true!

I need a site that warns me away from degenerately upbeat movies. I’m kind of busy, though, so I need someone to make it for me. Here’s the rating system I have in mind:

B (for Beware): This movie teaches that you can accomplish anything you want. It emphasizes the power of friendship, faith and love. At the end of the movie, good is rewarded, evil is defeated, and people kiss without a hint of tongue action. May contain uplifting songs. Should only be watched ironically by adults with the strength to mock it throughout.

L (for Lifelike): This movie portrays drug addiction, antisocial behavior, random violence, meaningless sex and tear-filled arguments with loved ones. Unfortunately, these things exist only to underscore the underlying themes of redemption and hope. Viewers should leave two-thirds of the way through.

EA (for Everyone Annihilated): This movie shows the results of a random act of God, such as a maritime disaster, an atomic war or a zombie invasion. Anywhere from hundreds to millions of people suffer and die for no real reason. However, the movie prefers to focus on a small group of determined survivors. Parents with small children should point out the unlikelihood of living through such a situation.

K (for Ka-Ching!): The film portrays life as a meaningless series of assaults and inconveniences, handed out by an uncaring, random universe with no attention paid to need, merit or altruism. Terrible things happen with no explanation, interspersed with excruciatingly apathetic scenes portraying the squalor and tedium of modern life. No lesson is learned, no moral is in evidence, and any rats shown onscreen neither sing nor prepare food. Suitable for the whole family.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a cynic, a sinner and a syncretist.

Composite image: Lore Sjöberg. Building photo: PsychoPx. Marquee photo: Justin Baeder/Flickr.