Photo: Jens Mortensen

In the age of Pirate Bay, physical knockoffs seem almost quaint. But they’re still plentiful and plenty cheap. And they’re still inferior to the real thing.

1. Beats by Dr. Dre Tour Earbuds (NOT!)

While knockoffs of Monster’s Beats headphones are reportedly common in Hong Kong, it took craigslist and a street-corner meeting to snag a pair in New York. The packaging, smaller and shoddier than the genuine article, was a clear indication these were fake, but the phones themselves looked so much like the originals that we had to mark them to tell them apart. As long as we limited the music to low-bitrate MP3s and tinny pop (i.e., when sound doesn’t matter), the quality was tolerable though hollow. But on anything with rich mids or bass, the fakes overcooked it into a distorted mess.

WIRED Good gift for music … likers.

TIRED Less depth and nuance than Glenn Beck.

$45 (vs. $190)

Rating: 5 out of 10

2. Ray-Ban Original Wayfarer (NOT!)

Bogus designer shades are a staple in New York’s Chinatown, where we got these. The Wayfarer styles are generally more convincing than the Louis Vuitton and D&G knockoffs, but they’re still way janky. The brittle plastic feels dependable only if you’re comparing it with the flimsy hinges. They’re lighter than true Wayfarers, which actually made them more comfortable. But don’t leave them alone with your keys; the lenses might as well come prescratched.

WIRED Three for $12! Great for your Risky Business costume.

TIRED Performance optics? We couldn’t wear these retina-manglers for five minutes without getting a headache.

$4 (vs. $195)

Rating: 4 out of 10

3. Omega Seamaster Planet Ocean Chrono (NOT!)

We got the sidewalk vendor down $5 to $70, but that’s still $6,030 less than the asking price for the real thing. The fake retains the original’s self-winding internals and deep-sea-diver design. But the rubber strap is flimsy, there’s no date window, and the bezel and numbers were already faded from the sun. Only the time-adjustment knob works the same way as the one on the original; the helium-escape valve on the fake is purely cosmetic.

WIRED Survived 12 hours in a pot of water. (Authentic Seamaster is water resistant to 600 meters.)

TIRED No luminescent hands. Strap feels like it wouldn’t make it through a vigorous handshake.

$70 (vs. $6,100)

Rating: 3 out of 10

4. iPhone 4 (NOT!)

They must have spent dozens of minutes thinking up the name of the HiPhone 4, and about as much time building it. This one came from a Texas-based eBay seller and arrived direct from Beijing in a week. That was the only positive experience. The touchscreen is the least responsive we’ve experienced, and several of the app icons are purely decorative. It has two SIM card slots and boasts GSM compatibility, but we couldn’t get cell or data service despite trying multiple carriers.

WIRED What antenna-gate? It has a pullout for FM radio!

TIRED Reception indicator shows four full bars before you’ve even inserted a card. Sync with iTunes? Yeah, right.

$124 (vs. $699 for 32-GB, no-contract iPhone)

Rating: 1 out of 10